The 10 Commandments according to the Olsen twins.
Mary Kate Olsen was spotted in Paris this week doing...well..whatever Olsen twins do...dressed in the same old lady garb that has catapulted her into being a style icon or a fashion disaster depending on your perspective.
I decided to compile the 10 commandments that the twins adhere to rigidly, try and follow them all, although you would probably be shipped off to a homeless shelter for the elderly before you can finish.
Here they are:
1. Thou shalt wear ridiculously high heels in order to appear taller and skinnier than you already are.
2. Thou shalt wear as many types of dead animal carcas as possible, screw ethics, its fashion right?
3. Thou shalt dye your hair to the point that it is straw like and starting to fall out.
4. Thous shalt port as many pointlessly oversized accessories as possible: giant hat? check. Giant shades? check. Giant scarf? check. Giant sea turtle attatched to back? check.
5. Thou shalt frequently be mistaken for a homeless person/ drug addict / crackwhore that lives in an old tyre under a freeway.
6. Thous shalt hunch, skulk, and attempt to 'hide' from the paps.
7. Thou shalt use any woman over the age of 80 as your style icon, oh yeah, Angela Lansbury baby!
8. Thou shalt practice 'twincest' for the cameras
9. Thou shalt always carry an enormous cup of coffee and tote a cigarette, that is a full week's calories after all.
10. Thou shalt appear in magazines, on TV, pretty much everywhere, and earn millions, wait, billions...and for what?
Noone truly knows.
Labels: crazy, fashion, olsen
Victoria Beckham goes blonde!
Victoria Beckham has finally caved into the pressure of La La land! Since she is already heavily tanned, a size 00, a staunch follower of fashion and a total fame whore it would only follow suit that she would become blonde!
I have to admit, I really like it, the colour and the shape, I almost would have liked to see her do something a bit more extreme and maybe go white blonde or just totally white, but knowing the years of abuse her scalp has taken from extensions her hair would probably fall out and we would be looking at another Britney.
Labels: fashion, posh
New Madonna looks a lot like old Madonna
I just stumbled across these photos of Madonna at the Vanity Fair Oscar party and she looks incredible! Although she seems to have reinvented herself so many times that she has had to go back to one of her old looks. Who cares? She looks amazing.
Is she ever going to get old?
Labels: fashion, madonna, oscars
Britney Spears may have post-partum depression
TMZ is reporting that Britney Spears' current stint in rehab has little to do with substance abuse and is more an issue of depression. Doctors treating Britney Spears allegedly think her issues may be alcohol abuse in order to deal with post-partum depression or bi polar disorder.
God, I feel kind of bad about making fun of her now.
No wait, I don't.
Post partum I can see but isn't everyone considered bi polar these days? If you show any emotion nowadays doctors are pretty much willing to dose you up on meds! Refuse the meds Britney! Refuse the meds! Be wild and free!
Just try and be wild and free with some hair and a bra.
Labels: britney, crazy, druggie
Tom Cruise has really worked his Scientology magic on Katie Holmes
Katie Holmes refused to be photographed alone, or leave her husband Tom Cruise's side at an Oscars afterparty it was claimed on Sunday.
Tom Cruise was seen urging photographers to 'take a shot of her' alone, but Katie refused and would only take photos as a couple. Onlookers state that Katie gripped her her husband's hand tightly and followed him everywhere he went, where she remained silent while he finished his conversations. An eyewitness stated: 'She looks at him for direction.'
Evantually Katie relented and posed for photos solo, later mingling with Madonna, Dame Helen Mirren, Cameron Diaz and Leonardo DiCaprio at the Oscar bash. She was overheard telling anyone who would listen "Suri is doing really, really well. She's a beautiful little girl. I feel so honored to be her mother, really.'
From my extensive experience with Katie Holmes, aka, bumping into her once at Barney's
I can say that she looked totally brainwashed. I'm just waiting for it to wear off so we all can all read the National Enquirer headlines about what the marriage was really like.
Labels: crazy, oscars, tomkat
Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore toke some time to relax.
See what I did there? I replaced the word 'take' with 'toke' because 'toke' is a drug reference, and this post is about drugs. Not impressed? Well, I have a blog and you don't, whatever.
Anyway, Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz decided that smoking some weed in a public park in Hawaii might be a good idea. I get that awards season is tough and all but come on, go do some yoga, go drink some tea, whatever.
To be fair though since Drew Barrymore started doing cocaine as a fetus or whatever by the law of averages she should be living in a barrel under a freeway by now, so smoking a bit in Hawaii before a trip to the Oscars isn't too bad after all.
Labels: crazy, druggie
Oscars Fashion Rundown.
Well, I've finally recovered from my lack of sleep last night thanks in large part to falling asleep on a stranger's shoulder on the train home and an extremely large dose of sugary snacks. Lets get to what everyone was wearing last night shall we?
I'm going to run down from my best dressed of the night to my worst dressed.
Number One for me was Cate Blanchett. She's been rocking the metallic thing for all the awards shows this year and it suits her perfectly, she looks part mermaid, part robot, part superhottie. Plus she has talent, which is always a plus.
Helen Mirren, for a woman in the evening of her life Helen Mirren is pretty damn amazing. Amazing enough to have a song by Jack Black, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly dedicated to her at the Oscars last night. I love her, she can do no wrong.
Jessica Beil, I know a lot of people didn't like what she wore but I think the colour made her stand out on the red carpet, which for someone whose claim to fame is S.W.A.T and some Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie is definately a good thing.
Gwenyth Paltrow, also, a lot of people didn't like this, but personally I think she looked pretty amazing, a lot less boring anyway.
Kate Winslet, I'm not sure about this. The colour, the style, its just all a bit....blah.
Reese Witherspoon, why did she get named best dressed of the evening by so many people? Its just a boring navy blue dress on a boring actress, sorry, I've just never got the Witherspoon appeal, and for me this dress sums her up. Also, did anyone else notice that they did some video airbrushing on her chin during the telecast? Classic.
Queen Latifah, pretty safe, but she looks good. Does anyone actually NOT like Queen Latifah, I have yet to find anyone. Prove me wrong.
Cameron Diaz, at first I liked this, but there is something dodgy about the bottom of the dress..if it had just been a bit longer she could have pulled it off.
Ok, let me just say this now, I have never liked anything Beyonce has ever worn and I have never liked Beyonce, she can look hot and all but there is something about her that just puts me off. Last night was classic when she tried to outsing Jennifer Hudson and looked like she was going to have a stroke on stage. Oh and the dress, well at least she didn't let Momma Knowles design this one, that's something at least.
Ok, Jennifer Hudson WTF? What were you thinking? I want to like you because of the whole underdog thing, and then you show up in some kind of space waistcoat make of aluminium foil. Just go home now.
Anne Hathaway, the bow is the most exciting thing about you, enough said.
Nicole Kidman, you look like some kind of fairytale gone wrong, little red riding hood meets the wicked witch of the west. Also the fact that your skin, hair and eyes are all pretty much the same colour is too creepy.
Kirsten Dunst, WHAT? What is this? I have only had the pleasure of an encounter with Kirsten once in my life and for once she looks on the outside how she is on the inside: Haneous.
Faye Dunaway, there are actually no words, where do I start? Actually there are words, your face looks like the grim reaper, stop with the surgery, and the dress makes you look like a diseased colon. I don't know how that even makes sense but it does.
Rose Mcgowan, note to you: This is the OSCARS, not half price cocktails at the Wynn Las Vegas.
AND ABSOLUTE WORST OF THE EVENING GOES TO....
TYRA BANKS! WALKING BLOOD CLOT!
Special mention must go to Rhianna, even though she wasn't at the ceremony she wore this to a pre-Oscar party.
I think she is amazing, a cross between Posh Spice and a Bratz doll, and somehow it comes out hot! Beyonce take note, this is how its done!
Finally, a huge THANK YOU to everyone who read my liveblog last night, I reached 10,000 unique page views which blows my mind a bit! 10,000 of you across the world were reading alongside me, so thank you, and I hope you all enjoyed it!
ITS OSCAR TIME! LIVEBLOG!!
OSCAR TIME IS HERE! and so is my liveblog! I'm on British time, so apologies if that gets confusing!
11.08pm: Montage of British acheivement at the Oscars. Awesome.
11.16pm: Non-famous people start to arrive on the red carpet. I eat a mini muffin to pass the boredom.
11.18pm: Another muffin during the advert break. Delicious
11.21pm: Scary Asian lady stares over the shoulder of James McAvoy
11.38pm: Maggie Gyllenhaal admits to wearing 'giant pants' under her dress
11.40pm: A montage about Dame Judi Dench. Yawn
11.47pm: Cameron Diaz looks pretty hot but, not sure about the dress though..
11.50pm: Penelope Cruz...meh.
11.52pm: Jada Pinkett Smith looks less like a man than usual
11.53pm: Jessica Beil...WOW!
11.57pm: Emily Blunt looks as if she is wearing make up on every part of her body..and there is something up with her teeth too...oh wait, she's British.
12.00am: Jennifer Lopez and corpse husband appear on the scene
12.01am: Corpse husband is becoming frequently distracted.
12.02am: Jodie Foster asks 'who is still awake in the UK?' WE ARE WE ARE!
12.03am: Helen Mirren is a hottie and I'm not ashamed to say it
12.07am: Penelope Cruz may be wearing a dead ostrich
12.08pm: Leonardo DiCaprio may have mistaken olive oil for a hair product
12.25am: Will Smith is so ooold! Where oh where have the Fresh Prince days gone?
12.16am: Jennifer Hudson looks like 'they are just about to pop her in the oven with that dress' according to my mother. Whatever that means.
12.21am: Jessica Beil has M&Ms in her purse. I love her even more now.
12.23am: Cate Blanchett looks like a super-sexy fembot from the future. Wait...what?
12.29am: ugh, the lame half hour interlude where film critics you have never heard of speak total rubbish. Time for some more snacks.
12.32am: Ooh popcorn and flapjacks.
12.48am: I swear to god Dame Judi Dench could just take a shit on camera and they would nominate her for an Oscar, and this year she couldnt even be bothered to come! Knee operation, Shnee operation.
12.50am: Wait, shnee?
12.58am: The ceremony is about to start, and I am about to eat a giant baked potato..so there may be a lapse in coverage as I enjoy the cripy, buttery goodness.
1.02am: Nicole Kidman or little red riding ass?
1.21am: I love Ryan Gosling, solely for the fact that he brings his sister and mother to the ceremony and then says he's 'Doing it like snoop'. What a pimp. Well, not really.
1.30am: YAY ITS STARTED!
1.31am: Love the opening montage! love it!
1.33am: OK, its getting old now!
1.35am: Ok enough already, seriously, enough.
1.37am: Ellen? A velvet suit? Really?
1.39am: Ellen's opening monolgue: Perfect.
1.43am: Excellent Al Gore joke.
1.44am: I love the gospel Choir YES!
1.45am: Best Art Direction fgoes to 'Pan's Labrynth' YES! I WAS RIGHT! Also, Nicole Kidman you aren't supposed to say 'the winner is anymore'
1.45am: AMAZING SONG! I love Will Ferrel but hate Jack Black. Thats just life.
1.57am: Acheivement in makup goes to 'Pan's Labrynth@
2.01am: Best Animated Short goes to 'The Danish Poet'
2.04am: BEST LIVE ACTIONS SHORT GOES TO WEST BANK STORY!!!!! YES YES YES! AND THEY MENTIONED ASHLEYS NAME!!! GO ASHLEY!!!
2.14am: Best sound editing goes to Letters from Iwo Jima
2.18am: Best sound mixing goes to Dreamgirls
2.21am: Best supporting actor goes to Alan Arkin
2.31am: Jesus, just cut out the musical interludes instead of cutting people off mid-speech, wouldnt that be a better idea?
2.45am: Best Animated Feature goes to Happy Feet, the winner of the award, oddly enough looks remarkably like a penguin
2.50am: Best Adapted Screenplay goes to The Departed
3.00am: Best Costume Design goes to Marie Antoinette
3.05am: Tom Cruise is clearly wearing a girdle, you know he gorges his ass on twinkies...and that isn't a euphamism.
3.10am: YOU GUYS RULE! This post has already had nearly 6000 views in the past few hours, hey, I might not be Perez Hilton, but thats good enough for me!
3.12am: Does Gwenyth look hot or not? I just can't decide!
3.14am: Best Cinematography goes to Pan's Labrynth...RIGHT AGAIN! YESS!
3.20am: Best Visual Effects goes to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
3.30am: Best Foreign Language Feature goes to The Lives of Others (Germany)
3.35am: Best Supporting Actress goes to Jennifer Hudson
3.44am: Best Documentary Short Subject goes to The Blood of Yingzhou District
3.46am: Best Documentary Feature goes to An Inconvenient Truth
4.07am: Best Original Score goes to Babel
4.12am: Best Original Screenplay goes to Little Miss Sunshine! YAY!
4.18am: 7000 VIEWS! HOORAY HOORAY!Thanks everyone who is reading!
4.30am: Best Original Song goes to Melissa Etheridge (An Inconvenient Truth)
4.43am: Best Film Editing goes to The Departed
4.45am: I hate it when they play the montage of people who have died, it almost makes me want to cry. I said ALMOST. I just have something in my eye.
4.53am: Best Actress in a leading role goes to Helen Mirren. I love her.
5.01am: Best Actor in a leading role goes to Forest Whittaker
5.08am: Best Director goes to Martin Scorcese! Finally!
5.15am: Best Motion Picture of the year goes to THE DEPARTED..A movie which I watched on a plane, and gasped so loud that I woke the woman next to me up from her slumber. It was worth it.
5.17am: Waaah the show is over for another year, and so is my Oscar liveblog. I hope that all of you out there who read it enjoyed it. I will be posting loads of Oscar photos tomorrow so be sure to come back. For now however I am off for my 2 hours of sleep. Goodnight, and thanks to the 7500 of you who followed the Oscars along with me!